The most important phone calls seem to come at the most inopportune time. It was a Tuesday in September and I had just dropped off Brooklyn at Mother’s Day Out and was heading to the car when the phone rang. It was Dallas Children’s Hospital calling to schedule Caitlyn’s PET scan for the following day and a port placement on Friday. It was Tuesday so I assumed they had the results from the biopsy given the appointments, yet when I asked she said they hadn’t received them. I didn’t understand the rush to schedule such invasive procedures without confirmation of results. The nurse was adamant we needed to schedule however I wouldn’t budge. We hung up and within a few minutes the oncologist called explaining the urgency. I heard everything from ‘When dealing with children everything moves faster,’ to ‘PET scans and surgeries are difficult to reschedule,’ and that ‘She was sure they would have the results in later that day or the next and wanted to have everything lined up so they could immediately begin chemo.’ Despite the logical explanations it still didn’t make sense. It was as if I was succumbing to their diagnosis without confirmation and I felt unrest.

From the beginning I had been praying for God’s wisdom and direction throughout this situation not really understanding what decisions we would be making. Now I knew. I asked her if I could call her back once I spoke with Barry. We prayed. Not what we wanted but what HE wanted. The answer was clear. She called back within the hour and I asked her if a couple days was going to make a difference because we didn’t want to do anything that would harm Caitlyn. She said No. Then I told her we would feel more comfortable waiting until the results came in to schedule the PET scan and port placement. If their diagnosis was right then Caitlyn would be spending every week in the hospital just like she had the past few weeks. Could they at least let her have this week off to enjoy as a ‘normal’ little girl. She agreed with the stipulation that if there were no open dates the following week she would still push for this week. We hung up and I felt at peace.

Day 17, Praying for Family

‘Show me your ways, teach me your paths, guide me in your truth’ (Psalm 25:4-5) If our children are to walk in  truth, as parents we need to be firmly grounded in the truth of God’s Word. If we desire that our children grow in godly character, we need to consistently model godly character.

Prayer: Lord, I place my family in Your loving hands today. I ask that You protect them by the power of Your name (John 17:12) I ask that You plant a hedge of protection around each of them.

The next day my aunt called and I gave her the update including Caitlyn asking me about God’s touch. After a minute or 2 my aunt asked if the church pastor had laid hands on her. Strange question I thought, like he had time for that. I knew they were praying for her in their weekly pastoral meetings and I’m sure during their prayer time but no one has physically laid hands on her. She explained maybe Caitlyn needed that, besides it was biblical.

I debated on calling our preschool director to see if that was possible. After all it was Wednesday afternoon and he would be teaching a class at church that night. I found myself dialing her number anyway. Immediately she agreed and said she would ask the pastor. Soon after I received a text saying he would love to and if we could be at the church around 7p. That night Pastor Glynn explained to Caitlyn what we were doing. He showed her a jar of olive oil he had from his trip to the Holy Land and he even explained the importance of using it with biblical reference. After anointing her with the oil he, along with our preschool director and several ‘deacons’, surrounded our family laying their hand on Caitlyn while they prayed. There was such power behind each and every word. His Holy Presence filled that room and I can only imagine the spiritual battle that took place. The very next morning on the way to school Caitlyn said she felt God’s touch! I knew God had answered our prayers and couldn’t wait to see how.

Thursday night we were attempting to remove a band aid off Caitlyn’s leg and she was hysterical. (Side bar…Her very first visit to the ER with the swollen leg the nurses inserted an IV only to have to readjust it due to the screw being defective. The result was intense pain and blood going everywhere. Needless to say she was traumatized, as we all were, and has since been terrified of needles and band aids.) After successfully removing the band aid and calming her down I laid down with her. She quietly told me that God wasn’t going to heal her leg. My heart skipped a beat. Why would she say that? Did Barry and I say anything to make her feel that God wouldn’t heal her? I told her not to say that and reminded her that God can do anything. I didn’t want doubt to enter into any of our hearts. The next morning I felt anxious during my quiet time and on the way to school all I could think about was what Caitlyn said.  As an adult, it’s hard to understand ‘unanswered prayers’. Mature Christians find difficulty experiencing the ‘waiting period’ and the various trials we have to endure. How is my baby girl going to understand God not healing her when that’s all she’s been asking for since Day 1? How does a 5 year old still have the ‘child like’ faith and trust in God when hearing the prayers and feeling His touch still results in pain? I had no answer.

Friday, September 30th at 2:15p Brooklyn and I were walking into the school to pick up Beckham and Caitlyn when I got the call. We ran back to the car and while sitting in the car pool line I heard the diagnosis. Dr. Ludwig said they received the biopsy results and Caitlyn had B lymphoblastic lymphoma. She followed up with how this was such a huge sigh of relief. She went on to say that this was their specialty with a 95% cure rate, less invasive therapy and the good news…no surgery. I would be lying if I said this was great news…obviously I was expecting to hear complete healing and honestly lymphoma sounded terrible. I sat in the car pool line devastated as she went on to explain the next steps…PET scan and bone marrow biopsy scheduled for Monday, surgery to insert the port on Tuesday and chemo would begin Wednesday. The world we knew was forever changed.

Saturday morning Caitlyn and I went to watch Karson play Upward Football and on the way to Beckham’s football game we decided to swing through the Sonic drive thru. As soon as I placed our order Caitlyn nonchalantly said…’Mom, God is going to heal me. Just not now.’ All the worries of how to explain to my child why God didn’t heal her subsided. I didn’t need to do anything. He speaks. She listens.

“Now faith is being SURE of what we hope for and CERTAIN of what we cannot see.” Hebrews 11:1

The oncologist asked if we wanted to know the preliminary results when they performed the biopsy. We thought about it, but really what good is it to know what it ‘could be’? We’ve already had so many ups and downs within the past week we just wanted to know ‘what it is’. So our answer was “No”.

Unfortunatly no one shared this with the orthopedic doctor. He came in and went straight to the point. It’s a ‘blue cell tumor’ but we’re not sure what family it belongs to. I believe it’s…EWING CARCINOMA. Once again I was speechless. For 8 years I spent most of my time across the room from doctors responding with ease and presenting with confidence. Now I sat across the room from my sleeping baby girl and her medical professional completely at a loss for words. I cried and tried to make sense of what he was saying. Honestly I only heard a portion of what he said but I could tell it wasn’t good. The NP had tissues for me and I looked up and randomly asked…”Are you sure?”

His response…”Yes.” Me, “Could the results come back different.” Doctor, “Doubtful.”

Me, “But there’s still HOPE.”

He just looked at me, I’m assuming he thought I was in denial. It wasn’t a question but a statement. I truly believe that despite the wisdom bestowed on the medical community there is only one GREAT PHYSICIAN. He is the only one that I trust and until He gives the final diagnosis…there is still hope.

The doctor told us we would hear the results from the biopsy early next week. Those 7 days felt like an eternity, yet God created the heavens and the earth in that same time frame. Looking back I realize he was busy at work in ours. Early Sunday morning on our way to church Caitlyn was singing ‘There is power in the name of Jesus’. She kept repeating it and soon I joined in. My spirit rejoiced that even she knew (though maybe not intentionally) where the power lay! This was the first week Caitlyn was able to go back to school and she was ecstatic about seeing her friends, even if she was wheelchair bound. Every morning she woke up with a smile! Mid week Mrs. Felder told me Caitlyn was tired during rotations and her reading partner was upset she didn’t have anyone to read to. Caitlyn looked at her and said, “You can do it, Jesus lives in your heart.” Those simple words touched Mrs. Felder’s heart so much it made her cry.

On Tuesday morning I finished Day 16 ‘Praying Extraordiarily’and was stuck on “At times, we get distracted by all that is going on in our lives personally and we can’t see the bigger picture of what God is up to.”

“Doubt is putting your circumstances between you and God. Faith is putting God’s promises between you and your circumstance.” ~Mark Batterson

On the way to school we were praying, as we do every day, when I heard one of the most powerful prayers I’ve heard Caitlyn say. Usually it’s quiet and repetitive but today it was bold. She thanked God for all his blessings and for being a ‘Good Good Father’ because that is who He is. She prayed that God would be with the ‘children that are hurting at the hospital and their mommy and daddy’s’. She asked God to heal her leg. I felt chills! Then immediately after the AMEN she asked me a question I will NEVER forget.

“Mommy, how come I haven’t felt God’s touch?” 

I had to ask again because surely I didn’t hear her right…God’s touch? She repeated it exactly! I’m sure in the past we’ve prayed for God’s healing touch but I never imagined her to pick up on that. I immediately panicked. How do I answer this? All I could muster up was that we don’t have to feel his physical touch to know He is healing. But before I could say another word Beckham chipped in…

Caitlyn, Jesus healed the blind man. He spoke and healed the 10 lepers, but only 1 came back to Thank him (I love he added that part). If he healed them he can heal you!

Caitlyn said “Oh yeah.”

That was all she needed…scriptural words from a child! Tears were falling like a waterfall and all I could do was Thank God! Thank Him for allowing my 6 year old son to preach his Word. Thank Him that despite the situation we were in this was a small reminder that their spiritual faith and growth was far more important than physical healing. Thank Him that he allowed us to experience His love that day like never before.

After I dropped Beckham and Cailtyn off at school I headed to drop off Brooklyn at Mother’s Day Out. I spoke with Mrs. Yevonne and was on my way out the door when our MDO director, Keri Montgomery, stopped me to share a song that was on her heart that morning when she was praying for Caitlyn. The hymnal was ‘Jesus paid it all’ and the verse that stuck in her head was…

“Lord, now indeed I find. Thy power and Thine alone. Can change the leper’s spots and melt the heart of stone.”

She spoke about the mention of lepers and that leprosy was the ‘cancer’ of that time yet He could change the lepers spots. Lepers again? Beckham just spoke of the 10 that were healed and now this. I knew it was not a coincidence but confirmation that there is ‘power in the name of Jesus’.

As a child, when you’re hurting you want your mommy. Not much changes as an adult. Mom always had the answers and with biblical references to support it; she was full of wisdom! So many times I wish I had written them down, luckily they were impressed in our hearts that when the situation arises I can often recount what she would say.

One area she stressed was to pray ‘thy will be done.’ It use to drive me crazy. I would enter my prayer time with a list of to do’s and she would remind me to present requests and concerns to our Father ‘according to His will.’ But what if it’s not what I want? Her response…He always knows what is best.

At 6am on Friday we went in for Caitlyn’s biopsy. She had to take some ‘silly juice’ to relax her and she was cracking us up.

Unfortunatly coming off sedation was another story. She was so angry and out of sorts. Caitlyn was pushing, yelling and screaming at the top of her lungs.  It was so bad the nurse thought it would be best if she left the hospital and was in the comfort of the car. Suddenly we were out the door, Caitlyn still in her hospital gown with a huge teddy bear.  She cried for 45 minutes and the worst part was she kept saying how much she didn’t like me, she   wanted me to go away and kept trying to pull off her bandages and clothes. I had never seen her like this and couldn’t believe this was my little girl. Barry and I switched places and soon she exhausted herself and passed out. I drove home with the radio turned up and singing praises through tears.

Thy will be done by Hillary Scott

‘I know you’re good but this don’t feel good right now

And I know you think of things I could never think about

It’s hard to count it all joy. Distracted by the noise.

Just trying to make sense. Of all your promises.

Sometimes I gotta stop. Remember that you’re God. And I am not.

So Thy will be done, Thy will be done, Thy will be done.

Songs have an amazing way of speaking straight to your heart. How many times had I felt like this? Truth is more times than I would like to admit. But to pray ‘His will’ could very well mean heartache and pain. Then I remembered…’He always knows what is best’.

Watching Caitlyn fight us was symbolic to the way we react to God. Things don’t go ‘according to our plan’ so we throw a fit. We even try to fix or ‘undo’ what He has done instead of trusting Him that the temporary pain will be worth the eternal glory that will follow. An hour later Caitlyn woke up happy and laughing as if those 45 minutes never happened. She looked at Barry and I with the biggest smile and told us how much she loved us. The same bear she threw to the side she picked up as if seeing it for the first time! The nurse called to check on us and said Caitlyn experienced ’emergence delirium’ from waking up too early out of anesthesia. It’s a shocking site (though temporary and without long term side effects) but for those not previously initiated to the event, it can be quite frightening. Looking back I’m thankful the ‘episode’ occurred, just 30 minutes prior to Caitlyn waking up the doctor informed us he had isolated a portion of the biopsy sample and could confidently tell us it was from the blue cell tumor family and from the look of both the doctor and NP it didn’t seem good.  This ‘episode’ took our mind off the orthopedic doctor’s ‘diagnosis’ and allowed me a personal insight to the Almighty’s sovereignty.  A reminder that our prayers have to be aligned with His will because He sees the bigger picture. He knows with each heartache and through the pain a ministry will be born.

My mom loved to read, especially biographies. One person in particular was Corrie ten Boom. Recently I was reading The End of Me by Kyle Indleman (if you haven’t read it you MUST) and I was reminded of the importance of just this. The chapter spoke of a excerpt from her book ‘Tramp for the Lord.’ In this book she told of a woman she met in Russia during the Cold War when Christians were being persecuted.

The old woman, Corrie wrote, was reclining on a sofa. Multiple sclerosis had done quite a job on this woman. Her body was twisted in every direction, and she depended on pillows to prop her up. She had no mobility, so her husband’s time was consumed by her care. The index finger of her right hand was all she could control. Nothing else. But oh, what she got from that finger. It moved across a typewriter keyboard all day and late into the night, tapping out words and sentences and paragraphs as she translated the Bible and other Christian books into her Russian language.

Her husband watched and noticed that it often took the wrinkled old finger quite a long time to hit a key—but on it moved, letter by letter, through books of the Bible.

And then Corrie ten Boom came for a visit. She looked at the twisted, skeletal frame on the sofa, and compassion overcame her. She prayed, “Oh, Lord, why don’t you heal this poor woman?” The husband saw how deeply moved the visitor was, and he said, “God has a purpose in her sickness. Every other Christian in the city is watched closely by the secret police. But because she has been so sick for so long, no one ever looks in on her. They leave us alone, and she is the only person who can translate, undetected by the police.”

It’s inaccurate to say that God worked despite her weakness. The truth is that he was glorified through her weakness in a powerful way. You’d feel sorry for that woman, just as I would. But the very thing we’d wish and pray away, the very thing apparently destroying her life, the prickly thorn causing so much pain was a holy place that allowed a very weak woman to become a pillar of strength in God’s kingdom.

After Caitlyn’s prognosis every ounce of me wanted to pray for God to remove this potential thorn from Caitlyn’s side however I was reminded of His Word and several instances in the Bible where His will superceded all. One of my favorite Bible stories in  Daniel is where Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego had refused to bow and worship King Nebuchadnezzar and were facing the fiery furnace. Rather than defend themselves they responded, “If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. But even if he does not…He is still good.”

Oh what a testimony to the Father.  Our God is more than able to heal Caitlyn completely however if he doesn’t, He is still good! Caitlyn has a story and Our creator wrote it specifically for her. My job as a mother is not to pray the pain away, but to ask for God’s wisdom, seek His faithfulness and discover His goodness. So in all things Lord thy will be done.

‘We have to pray with our eyes on God, not on the difficulties.’ ~Oswald Chambers

‘What we worry about varies based on our circumstances and life experiences. You may worry about a godly teacher for your child or paying the bills. On the other hand, tragedy may have caused you to worry if you will have the strength to go on another day. You might be worried that God does not see or truly understand your plight, or else He would surely intervene and make things right for you.’ (excerpt from 40 Days of Prayer & Fasting Day 9)

So fitting given the situation we were in. We were heading to Dallas for an MRI but first Caitlyn wanted to drop off her school project and see her friends.

This feels like forever ago yet it’s only been 2 months!  The next day we had an appointment to see the orthopedic nurse practitioner. We were expecting to find out the results however the radiologist had said the MRI  was inconclusive (he couldn’t confirm one way or the other) so our NP went on to show us the scan and explain what we were looking at. The only thing for sure they could all agree on is there’s a fracture and swelling. Why and what caused it they didn’t know. To say our nurse practitioner, Linda Grande, was amazing is an understatement. She was kind, compassionate, understanding of our worries and even went so far as to (pre) schedule an appointment with the orthopedic doctor who specialized in reading MRIs. She knew we lived out of town and didn’t want us to leave without answers.  Before we left she gave us a cell phone number to contact and informed us her and Suzy (her nurse) specialize in prayer! Just what this momma needed to hear. Our next stop was the orthopedic doctor and after a very impersonal 5 minutes he was confident it was a tumor and we would have a biopsy on Friday.

The drive home was quiet. I wasn’t sure what to think the radiologist and nurse practitioner couldn’t provide a definitive answer yet the doctor seemed so sure it was a tumor. I felt torn and to be honest scared. We pulled into Longview when we got the call from the oncologist. All I can recall from our conversation is she asked if we understood what the doctor said and kept apologizing over and over again. She also wanted to schedule some tests on Caitlyn’s heart and chest in preparation for chemotherapy. I sat on the other end of the phone just crying…I was speechless. She looks healthy how is this possible. We let her go to school the next day as if everything was normal.

We met with the oncologist that Thursday. She introduced Caitlyn to Caitlin, a child life specialist, and her dog, Blair (these two would soon develop an incredible relationship with our Caitlyn). They left the room and we were informed that ‘with a team of doctors we will do everything possible to make this go away and hopefully never come back,’ and ‘this will be a long and very difficult road but we will get through this.’ She asked if we were familiar with a port. I wish I wasn’t; mom had her port placement less than a week after Caitlyn was born and now Caitlyn will be undergoing the same. Barry asked about Caitlyn’s mass and they said she would need a knee replacement. My heart sunk! Caitlyn came back in as I was trying to wipe the tears. The look on her face and her words are etched in my memory. “What are they going to do to me,” through a forced smile and nervous laugh, “mommy’s crying.”

I remembered the reading a few days prior, “Trust Him enough to draw near to Him. A.W. Tozer writes that if we experience troubles, including great pain and suffering, it means we are called by God to be ‘unusual Christians’. You may find it somehow comforting that there is a great purpose in our troubles. They draw us into a closer relationship with God and gives us the opportunity and courage to be unusual for Jesus.”  There were several scriptures I clung to during this difficult time but one that I often repeated and shared with others.

“Consider it pure joy, my brother, when you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” James 1:2-4

God chose Caitlyn and He would provide her the strength and ability to endure whatever was to come. I had to realize she was called to be an ‘unusual Christian’ and find joy during this season. Joy? Seems impossible right? How can I find joy in suffering?  At first I couldn’t I was heartbroken! My baby…chemo?

But I trusted God and I had given Caitlyn to Him a long time ago. What did this mean? That my joy was not based on my circumstance but in the ONE I trust with my circumstance. My connection with God Almighty provides that safe place–under the protection of His tent–a reminder God is for us and will take up our cause. That whatever is going on around us cannot stand against Him. Our joy that endures the circumstance is the joy that is in Him. That God isn’t done with us or hasn’t forgotten us; He sees so much value in us that He wants to work IN our life. So what can we do…embrace HIM! Although (my) weeping may last for the night(s), JOY always comes in the morning. Great reminder that this season will not last forever.

In September, Pastor Stone encouraged Mobberly Baptist congregation to take ’40 days to prepare for God to work powerfully in your life and speak directly to your heart as He transforms each of us through this season of prayer and fasting.’ If we wanted to hear God clearly and experience God’s work powerfully, we had to remove distractions and focus wholeheartedly on Him.

There was no question our family would enter into this commitment. This was an opportunity to sacrifice our wants and delve deeper into His Word. But for what? After much prayer the answer was clear…more than anything I wanted to enter into ‘His Presence.’

I have always been drawn to Exodus where Moses clearly expresses that he doesn’t want just the ‘blessings’, he desires His very presence over everything else.

‘Depart and go… I will send an Angel before you…to the land flowing with milk and honey. But I will not go with you, because you are a stiff-necked people.”  Then Moses prayed, “If you are pleased with me, teach me your ways so I may know you and continue to find favor with you. Remember that this nation is Your people.”

The Lord replied, “My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.” Then Moses said to him, “If Your Presence does not go with us, do not send us up from here.” Exodus 33:15 NIV

 

Over the next 40 days I felt His Presence like never before. His gentle touch, quiet whisper and more than anything his guidance. Little did I know what the next few days would have in store but He did and He used the Mobberly devotional to speak to me each and every day. From week 1 He was there…

Week 1: Equipped to Pray, Day 3: ‘The Dialogue of Prayer’

 

When do those who live in your house with you observe your love and dependence on your Father, the Creator of the universe? They see it in many ways, but none more clearly than when you pray. Prayer demonstrates our dependence on a very tangible way. Not only do our kids and spouses get to hear our heart as we pray; they get to see our trust lived out. Sure we could show them anxiety, anger, frustration when one of the troubles of life shows up, or we could practice Paul’s instructions here to do 3 simple things: “Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” 1 Thessalonians 5:18

Later that day we found out Caitlyn had fractured her leg and we would be heading to see an oncologist in Dallas. I knew to get through this I had to trust him. Reflecting on the word I read that morning I chose to forfeit self-pity  and praise him for everything He did that day: allowing me to be at the school when the swelling started, Dr. Mann fitting us in early despite having a later appointment and most of all that the swelling and fracture occurred bringing to light the lesion on the bone. I’ll never forget sitting in the room when Dr. Mann said it’s a blessing this occurred or else we would have never known it was there.

Day 4: The Deliverance of Prayer

When we pray, we should remember who God is. He is the God of creation who is awesome and holy. We should approach Him with awe and reverence. He is also the living God who places His arms around us in love and compassion. Faith is what makes the relationship possible. Without faith we cannot please Him. We must be willing to stretch our faith. 

We were heading to Dallas the following day to meet the oncologist. The first time we walked through the elevator doors onto the Cancer wing of Children’s Hospital is forever etched into my mind. In the waiting area I saw a teenage girl being pushed by her mother followed by an IV bag. Then a little red wagon pulled by a nurse with a baby, no older than 3, laying down with an IV in his nose followed by a cart with several IV bags hanging. Both were bald. My heart broke I wanted so bad for Barry to shield Caitlyn from seeing any of it but it was too late she was staring at the baby. She had a look on her face not confused or scared but genuine concern. She said,’I hope they are ok’ and laid her head down on Daddy’s shoulder. I held in my tears and finished checking in. Although I didn’t know why we were here I knew there was a reason and with that I had to stretch my faith!

Day 5: The Direction of Prayer

When we get the message that there is something urgent to hear, sometimes our stomachs tighten up, we break out in a cold sweat and worry about what kind of news we are about to face. But, as it happens so much of the time, we hear the message, and our worries are unfounded. In Romans 12:12, God says to bring all things to Him in prayer. Why does He say that? Because as you pray, God infuses you with His power and strength to do as He asks. 

Sitting in the exam room I felt sick to my stomach, I hadn’t stopped praying since we were in the car yet I felt nervous and scared. The oncologist came in and after looking over the X-ray couldn’t confirm whether it was a tumor. She explained that tumors are usually highly aggressive and irregular in size this, however, was uniform. She told us we would need an MRI and would need to meet with the orthopedic doctor. To be honest it felt as though she was confused on why we were there and she seemed somewhat confident we wouldn’t see her again. I left feeling relief despite not having answers.

Day 6 The Delight of Prayer

George Mueller, a British evangelist during the 1800s, found his greatest joy in seeing God answer His prayers in ways that only God could. He offers this quote, ‘The joy which answers to prayers give, cannot be described; and the impetus which they afford to the spiritual life is exceedingly great.’ 

Day 7: Engaging with God’s Purpose

It’s becoming clear to me that God’s plans are bigger than my dreams. He has a purpose for me and for you. God let me live so I can tell my story and make His name known. Are you telling your story? 

Convicted! Entering the prayer and fast I was looking to see what I would ‘get’ and disregarding what I would ‘give.’  I never imagined this would be our ‘opportunity’ to witness to others what He was doing in our lives. And although this is not the road we would have chosen, we know this is the road He chose for us and we praise Him that along the way we accomplish all He has for us. Not only did it impact us, but our friends, family, strangers and even a medical community would witness Him at work.  This particular journey will end but Caitlyn’s testimony will last a lifetime.

“They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their TESTIMONY.” Revelation 12:11

Two months ago today, on September 15th, I was on my way home from dropping Beckham off at school and this song came on. It’s always brought me to tears, however, it couldn’t have come on at a more perfect time! 

Trust in you by Lauren Daigle 

The words hit me like a ton of bricks. Each verse a testament to what was to come. In just a few hours we would be heading to Dallas Children’s Hospital to meet with an oncologist for Caitlyn. I just laid my head back and cried. 

The day before, I was subbing at the school when Caitlyn’s teacher called me shortly after her lunch. I had just dropped off my class at specials, so I went to meet her. The minute I turned the corner I saw her walking with Caitlyn. She pointed at Caitlyn’s knee and I stopped in my tracks; it was huge. At least double the size it was when we left this morning. I tried to carry her to the nurse but she insisted on walking. 15 minutes later we were heading to the doctor. Our pediatrician had left for the day so they said the earliest we could see Dr. Mann would be at 3p. We took our chances and sat in the waiting area. It was a little before 1p and Dr. Mann walked by and within a few minutes we were in a room. The swelling concerned him so he sent us to the ER to have X-rays and labs done faster. 

Several hours later we found ourselves in a room with the ER doctor and Dr. Mann hearing the inconceivable. They found a large lesion surrounded by tissue mass on our daughters right femur that caused it to break. The femur is the strongest bone in the body so they were very concerned and the X-ray confirmed what they believed was a tumor. They said we would be heading to Dallas here in a few minutes to meet with an oncologist and orthopedic surgeon. 

WHAT??? 

There’s NO way! She complained briefly that morning about her leg hurting, but I chalked it up to growing pains. She had been walking ALL morning refusing to be carried, so how could there be a break? Caitlyn is NEVER sick, how can they talk about a tumor? We just started our 40 Day prayer and fasting…how could this happen? 

When the doctor told us he would give us a few minutes to process the information I went numb. I would need more than a few minutes to understand what was happening! As soon as they left I looked to Barry as if he could somehow ‘fix’ this. When I saw his face I knew it was real. I just broke down, more like wailing, and somehow I mustered 4 words…’I trust you Lord.’ Over the next few days I repeated those words more often than not. Sometimes as a question, sometimes as a statement but mostly through tears. After we collected ourselves we went back to the room to see this sweet face…Seeing her smile without any care in the world made me realize everything was going to be okay. God was in complete control. I smiled and held my baby girl. Dr. Mann spoke to Dallas Children’s and since it was late they would schedule an appointment the next day and tonight we could go home, cuddle up and watch a movie with our babies. Dr. Mann came in to tell Caitlyn her leg was broken and his friends in Dallas would make it all better. When they left we asked her how she broke her leg knowing full well she would have an incredible story to share. Without hesitation she went on…

That night I picked up my phone to google bone tumors. That’s what we do right?!? Look to google for answers. I was about to click on the link and He spoke to my heart…’Do you trust me!’ I had to decide and I chose Him! I trust Him with Caitlyn and most of all with this situation. He is the Great Physician and Lord of all. If that sounds unbelievable to you, I can understand why seeing we live in a society where it’s hard to trust anyone let alone a ‘Supernatural healer.’  But when I face circumstances beyond my control I reach out to my Father! He has never failed me and never will. If faith is something you lack than take this opportunity to lay your burden before him for no other reason than to allow Him to show you his love and power. Instead of drowning in fear and worry put your trust in the Father and watch Him work.  

‘Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us.’ Ephesians 3:20

 Caitlyn is our joy and full of compassion. She loves life and lives it to the fullest. She smiles and the room lights up. He chose her for a purpose and I trust Him to fulfill said purpose. 

For those going through difficult or confusing times I encourage you to listen to the song. I hope it brings you as much comfort as it brought me:

‘Truth is, You know what tomorrow brings. There’s not a day ahead You have not seen. So, in all things be my life and breath. I want what You want Lord and nothing less.

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move. When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through. When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You. I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!’

Our world today places little value on words. We say what others want to hear without any intention to fulfill it. We lie, cheat, and steal without any fear of repercussion. Yet, the one constant that has never changed is…a promise is a promise. Once it’s broken the damage is done and trust is lost. 

Why do we doubt people, question motives, and fear the worst? Is it because we’re jaded and pessimistic. No. I’m the complete opposite I look through rose colored glasses. I believe if you say you will do it, you will. Yet even I know majority of people, myself included, will break a promise or two in our lifetime. How can we possibly expect anyone to live up to such high expectations? Despite our apprehension we want truth and faithfulness to prevail. We love our Father and desire to ‘trust’ his every word; yet our human nature will always cause doubt! We must hold fast to His word…

Over 2 years ago, I struggled with this scripture. My mom had fallen after Beckham and Karson’s soccer game and she began having severe headaches. She was currently in remission from breast cancer and the last place she wanted to go was to the doctor. Yet the pain was getting worse. One morning, I was finishing my morning devotional, ‘When I’m on my knees,’ over Loss and my heart was heavy. I couldn’t shake it. Soon after, my sister called to say mom was not doing well and I really needed to come talk to her. She didn’t know what to do. I hung up to get ready. My babies were still asleep and I was in the guest bathroom straightening my hair when I started to cry. I began wondering if I had pictures of my babies with Mimi! Did I have pictures with her? Then I was angry. I started yelling at God…I literally said out loud. ‘You promised her a mansion with lots of rooms!’ It sounded superficial, I realize that now. Something serious was wrong and all I could think about was ‘Where’s her mansion?’ Yet those words came spilling out. But it was something she would say ALL the time. She wanted a big house, not for herself, but so all kids (friends and family) could come and hang out and experience the love of Christ! She ministered to everyone young and old alike and wanted a place they could gather. She would tell me God promised her a mansion! Now here I was wanting him to pay up! 

Just as if you were there speaking to me I heard His voice….’I never promised it would be here.’ I fell against the wall and crumbled, crying uncontrollably. 

I knew…he was faithful. 

I knew….she would have her mansion. 

I knew…she would be going home. 

That day she agreed to go to the emergency room. You see she never made any decisions without going to God first. She knew…it was time. That day her oncologist came in and said her breast cancer had metastasized to her brain. My best friend and spiritual mentor only had ‘maybe a year to live.’ HEARTBREAK is too soft a word. I felt like my world was collapsing. My HOPE wasn’t in doctors or medicine but the word of God. I had been fasting and praying since January 1st for what was meant to be 21 days but each week God would put it on my heart to continue my fast. I felt His presence every waking moment the months leading up to this day and the days following. My devotional became God’s personal love letter to me. I saw HEALING not through chemo, she became too sick to even make it to her second dose, but through His touch. The night before she went back to the hospital I told her how many people had loved her and how she couldn’t even imagine the impact she had made on lives. She just smiled and shared how when she was really young, she remembered this older lady she had grown close to who had shown her so much undeserved love and attention. She had never felt that kind of love (not even from her own family) and she desired it. She realized it only came from God and had asked him to give her that kind of love, without judgement or conditions. That was all she wanted. Over the years, pain and heartache had caused such animosity that the love was slipping away. While she was at the hospital the bitterness and anger that had gripped her heart gave way and love and peace remained. 2 weeks from the date she was diagnosed she passed away. Was their pain left behind…immense pain, yet JOY in the fact that she would receive God’s promise. No more suffering, no more pain. Residing in her mansion above. Oh, how our God is faithful! 

From the outside we’re your typical family. Husband, wife, and 3 kids. We live in a quiet cul-da-sac with 2 dogs and a cat. 

As first glance we fit the traditional home. My husband, Barry, has worked as an automotive technician for over 10 years. Pregnant with our first child I decided to step away from the corporate world and focus on raising a family and tending to the house. Then not long after our family grew plus 2. Pretty stereotypical right?!?

Then you delve deeper and our story comes alive.

I was working in Dallas when I met Barry. He was a cousin of a family friend and I was home for the weekend. Who would have thought that a slight resemblance to a popular quarterback would have sparked our first conversation? I know who. 

A few months later I was offered a rare and lucrative position back home in Longview. Looking back there is no doubt God’s hand was evident every step of the way. Fast forward 3 years we are standing before God vowing to love and protect each other from this day forward. I remember that day so vividly, not just how handsome the groom was or the excitement of our upcoming nuptials; I remember seeking His presence. Hours before the ceremony Pastor Tommy, our family, and wedding party held hands and prayed over the upcoming nuptials and more importantly that God would be amidst this joyful celebration. That each person walking through the door and standing with us on stage would feel His Presence. 

In November of 2008 we found out we were expecting! No words can truly express the excitement and anticipation of what was to come. Barry was speechless when I shared the good news…it was the best Christmas present he could ever receive.  My sisters and I were ecstatic, as they too were expecting! Then early morning on Christmas Eve I was in the shower and started to bleed. I was consumed with emotions, but deep inside I knew. I realize now God has always prepared me for what was to come. We went to the emergency room and there I was poked, prodded and spread eagle for all to see. The most devastating news shared while laying helpless in a stirrup. I had a miscarriage. Thoughts came flooding in…how did this happen? What did I do wrong? And finally why Lord?  That day I felt loss and wondered how can I love someone that I’ve never held? How can I feel so strongly over someone I never laid eyes on? We went home that afternoon HEARTBROKEN and confused. That night we attended a Christmas Eve celebration at our church. I felt numb. I didn’t want to be there, but I knew we needed to be. We were greeted with congratulation after congratulation (news had recently spread we were expecting). Each word felt like a knife in the heart. I didn’t have the desire to tell them what happened. I half smiled with a nod. Our HOPE was that God would heal our hearts, he had to. 

The day after Christmas we were back at the hospital for 12 hours awaiting the birth of my niece. We watched my brother-in-law walk out introducing Zoey Grace and my broken heart was full of joy. How is that possible?  Later that night as I was telling my mom goodbye she held me and said seeing our faces when we saw Zoey surprised her. There was no bitterness, anger or envy just pure joy. She spoke this scripture over me: 

“God, your God, will restore everything you lost; he’ll have compassion on you; he’ll come back and pick up the pieces from all the places where you were scattered.” Deuteronomy 30:3

Later my husband shared how painful it was for him knowing just days before we lost our baby, yet he was still able to share in their joy. I knew the HEALING had begun. 

Three months later I was pregnant again, we weren’t trying and to be honest the thought scared me. What if ‘it’ happens again? Could we survive losing another? But His peace overshadowed any doubt. Beckham Michael Warren was born on December 4, 2009 and after 20 minutes of pushing my heart was completely full!  

Soon we realized how much a heart can truly hold and how faithful our God is. August 15, 2011, God blessed us with our sweet Caitlyn Elizabeth and 16 months later on December 12, 2012, our firecracker Brooklyn Abigail came into this world.

This is just a few chapters of an incredible story. Ours is no better or worse than another’s, yet I know there is a purpose. I pray He reveals what’s in my heart and that His words fill each page. I pray that as we share each heartbreak, hope and healing moment we’ve experienced that your heart is receptive to the message He has hidden underneath. And I pray that God works in ways unimaginable in the lives of each person who comes across this page.  

Only fitting to start my very first entry with the most iconic words of all time.

‘In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters. And God said, Let there be light: and there was light.’

Several years ago my husband mentioned that I should start a ‘blog’ I literally laughed out loud. Had I thought about it…many times. Then I would go back to the obvious: mom of 3 little ones, working along side my husband through this journey we call life. Nothing special, besides when will I find time to write? Why on earth would I share some of my most vulnerable thoughts and feelings with complete strangers? I rarely, if ever, post on Facebook for my 1,000+ ‘friends’ to see. And who in their right mind would read my post?

Then I realize everything that keeps me from moving forward is entangled with fear. Fear that I won’t be good at it. Fear others would see that my life is not as pretty and perfect as I display. Fear that no one will care. 

So here we are at a crossroads; our life is busier than it has ever been, yet the promptings of the Holy Spirit has led me to WordPress. So grab your warm cup of coffee, sit back, and join me on this new venture. 

In the beginning God created me and he gave me purpose. The canvas was without form and void; covered with darkness. Then the Spirit of the Lord moved upon my heart as His words lay bare. And through said words there was joy. Joy for all to see!  One common thread entwined through some of the most difficult circumstances we endured was HIS overwhelming PRESENCE. During the heartbreaks and heaviness,  I was never alone and dear friends you won’t be either. Deuteronomy 31:8, though used quite often, will never lose its power.

Every HEARTBREAK he was there. Providing HOPE when it seemed impossible. Through HEALING I found joy. So never doubt the journey laid before you just reach for the one who charted the course. He’ll never leave you.