‘What we worry about varies based on our circumstances and life experiences. You may worry about a godly teacher for your child or paying the bills. On the other hand, tragedy may have caused you to worry if you will have the strength to go on another day. You might be worried that God does not see or truly understand your plight, or else He would surely intervene and make things right for you.’ (excerpt from 40 Days of Prayer & Fasting Day 9)

So fitting given the situation we were in. We were heading to Dallas for an MRI but first Caitlyn wanted to drop off her school project and see her friends.

This feels like forever ago yet it’s only been 2 months!  The next day we had an appointment to see the orthopedic nurse practitioner. We were expecting to find out the results however the radiologist had said the MRI  was inconclusive (he couldn’t confirm one way or the other) so our NP went on to show us the scan and explain what we were looking at. The only thing for sure they could all agree on is there’s a fracture and swelling. Why and what caused it they didn’t know. To say our nurse practitioner, Linda Grande, was amazing is an understatement. She was kind, compassionate, understanding of our worries and even went so far as to (pre) schedule an appointment with the orthopedic doctor who specialized in reading MRIs. She knew we lived out of town and didn’t want us to leave without answers.  Before we left she gave us a cell phone number to contact and informed us her and Suzy (her nurse) specialize in prayer! Just what this momma needed to hear. Our next stop was the orthopedic doctor and after a very impersonal 5 minutes he was confident it was a tumor and we would have a biopsy on Friday.

The drive home was quiet. I wasn’t sure what to think the radiologist and nurse practitioner couldn’t provide a definitive answer yet the doctor seemed so sure it was a tumor. I felt torn and to be honest scared. We pulled into Longview when we got the call from the oncologist. All I can recall from our conversation is she asked if we understood what the doctor said and kept apologizing over and over again. She also wanted to schedule some tests on Caitlyn’s heart and chest in preparation for chemotherapy. I sat on the other end of the phone just crying…I was speechless. She looks healthy how is this possible. We let her go to school the next day as if everything was normal.

We met with the oncologist that Thursday. She introduced Caitlyn to Caitlin, a child life specialist, and her dog, Blair (these two would soon develop an incredible relationship with our Caitlyn). They left the room and we were informed that ‘with a team of doctors we will do everything possible to make this go away and hopefully never come back,’ and ‘this will be a long and very difficult road but we will get through this.’ She asked if we were familiar with a port. I wish I wasn’t; mom had her port placement less than a week after Caitlyn was born and now Caitlyn will be undergoing the same. Barry asked about Caitlyn’s mass and they said she would need a knee replacement. My heart sunk! Caitlyn came back in as I was trying to wipe the tears. The look on her face and her words are etched in my memory. “What are they going to do to me,” through a forced smile and nervous laugh, “mommy’s crying.”

I remembered the reading a few days prior, “Trust Him enough to draw near to Him. A.W. Tozer writes that if we experience troubles, including great pain and suffering, it means we are called by God to be ‘unusual Christians’. You may find it somehow comforting that there is a great purpose in our troubles. They draw us into a closer relationship with God and gives us the opportunity and courage to be unusual for Jesus.”  There were several scriptures I clung to during this difficult time but one that I often repeated and shared with others.

“Consider it pure joy, my brother, when you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” James 1:2-4

God chose Caitlyn and He would provide her the strength and ability to endure whatever was to come. I had to realize she was called to be an ‘unusual Christian’ and find joy during this season. Joy? Seems impossible right? How can I find joy in suffering?  At first I couldn’t I was heartbroken! My baby…chemo?

But I trusted God and I had given Caitlyn to Him a long time ago. What did this mean? That my joy was not based on my circumstance but in the ONE I trust with my circumstance. My connection with God Almighty provides that safe place–under the protection of His tent–a reminder God is for us and will take up our cause. That whatever is going on around us cannot stand against Him. Our joy that endures the circumstance is the joy that is in Him. That God isn’t done with us or hasn’t forgotten us; He sees so much value in us that He wants to work IN our life. So what can we do…embrace HIM! Although (my) weeping may last for the night(s), JOY always comes in the morning. Great reminder that this season will not last forever.